Time

I can't believe that we are at the three week mark.  It has really hit me this week that his death is real.  I left my mom's the Monday after the funeral.  I guess that kind of made me separate myself from acknowledging it.  I went back last Thursday.  It really hit me that he was not in the hospital or just at work.  I had a good visit with my mom.  We had many good discussions.  One that sticks out was about time.  I remember the morning that he died I was in the car on the way up there.  I had left my house in Austin around 5:30.  It was still dark outside when David called.  Shortly after the sun started to come up.  I vividly remember thinking to myself that the sun was still going to raise.  I said to myself and the baby sleeping in the backseat "I guess the world is going to keep going".  I thought this many times while my dad was in the hospital.  We would get Christmas cards and I would always think to myself "don't these people know that the world has stopped?"  I now know that it didn't.  My mom and I discussed the balance between figuring out how to catch up on life while still being respectful of my dad.  I noticed last Thursday a large barn had been built and on that was completed framed on my drive between Austin and Dallas.  I had not noticed anything there on my trips recently.  I have made this trip many times and can tell you if there was a barn there or not.  I guess I was so wrapped up in my life stopping that I had no clue that life was stilling going on.  I know that this post may not provide the comfort that you are looking for.  I wish that I could always provide that but I am only a human leaning on God.  

God has been good to us.  I know that God will supply all of our needs.  I know that in Him I will find the rest and comfort that I need.  

Commitments

I thought that I would add this for those that were unable to go to the funeral and remind those that did.  This is a list of the commitments that my dad made many years ago.  It is a true testimony of what he thought was important.  My brother David, the middle child, remembered seeing these and thought that they were important to add.  He searched everywhere to find them. 

The Bible is the inspired word of God and the final authority on my life.

My purpose in life is to seek God with my whole heart and to build my goals around His priorities.

My body is the temple of God and must not be defiled by the lust of the world.

My church must teach the foundational truths of the Bible and reinforce my basic convictions.

My children belong to God and it is my responsibility to teach them scriptural principles, godly character, and basic convictions.

My activities must never weaken the scriptural convictions of another christian.

My marriage is a lifelong commitment to God and to marriage partner.

My money is a trust from God and must be earned and managed according to scriptural principles.

My words must be in harmony with God's word, especially when reproving and restoring a christian brother.

My work or tasks must be done faithfully and to the best of my ability whether it be large or small.

Picture

I thought I would add this picture.  It is from the last night he was alive.  My mom and Melanee were in the gowns, gloves, and mask because of the MRSA.  They said that he was into taking the pictures and even trying to smile.  If we only knew that would be our last picture.  They sent that to me after they had taken it.  I was with a couple of my friends.  I showed it to them and rolled my eyes.  If I only knew then what I know now...

Thoughts for today

I have started the task of returning emails today.  I feel like I should apologize for taking so long. My mom received the death certificate today.  It stated that the cause of death was septic shock for 6 hours, organ failure for 6 hours, pancreatitis for 4 weeks, and the problem with colon that will not start to spell for 3 weeks.  We have our own cause... God's will.  I know that we should not question God's will but it is hard to not.  I have thought about the timing a lot.  He was in the ICU for exactly one month and 6 hours.  You will notice that he went into septic shock and organ failure the last 6 hours.  We were told that if he did survive this that he would be the same as before.  We didn't believe it though.  As the days went on we saw that man that we loved change. We are not trying to put God's ability in a box, but it seemed that the sicker he got the less likely it was.  I really do think that this was the best answer to the problem.  That is easier to say then to accept.  I still do not understand but I am comforted by the fact that he will not have to worry about the future.  God is good all the time!  

Daniel and his family DFW around 4:30 this morning.  My mom called around 7:45 and they had made it to the town they live in.  

Random Thoughts

I was talking with a friend at church last night.  She has young children and has lost both of her parents.  We were discussing what it is like to teach your child about someone so important that they will never meet.  I told her that I think a lot about why God would have left both Bryan and I fatherless.  Bryan lost his father a little over a year ago.  She said something that will stick with me.  God will provide what we need when we need it.  He will do that for her children and for my child.  He will also do that for me.  It doesn't make everything better, but it does make things more interesting.  I go from being very sad about all that has happened to excited with anticipation of what God has planned.  I have a lot to learn still.  I am so thankful that God gives us all exactly what we need the moment we need it.  I think that a lot of that is reliance on Him.  That is a lesson I have not perfected yet.  

I am thankfully to be home getting my life back into what order I can.  I made a quiet but eventful return to Austin on Monday.  I think that Daniel and his family will head back tomorrow.  Please keep them in your prayers.  The weather is suppose to be pretty bad where they live.  Also, please say a pray for my grandparents and aunt as they travel this weekend to meet up with my uncle somewhere around Atlanta and then continue on to Florida.  

What all happened one week ago...

I am sure at some point people will stop looking here on a regular basis.  What I am doing now is more for me.  I am now letting you into my broken heart.  

I know many of you have heard this already but I thought I would go through what happened medically.  My mom had noticed early in the day that the drain attached to his colon did not look right.  It had been put in a couple of weeks before to help drain the infection.  She mentioned this to the surgeon and he said that it was normal and that we should not be concerned.  We found out about the MRSA that morning as well.  It was in a dormant stage.  They believe it came through the trach and they were beginning to get him off of the trach.  He was doing so well with the ventilator that they did not see any problem with him being off of it.  My question was if they could get him back on the ventilator.  I was told yes but that was improbable at this point.  My dad asked the lung doctor is the MRSA was going to hurt those that came to see him.  For those of you that did not have the pleasure of knowing him, that was the man he was.  He was always concerned about what others.  The doctors were amazed that someone in his condition was concerned about others.  My mom went home that evening telling me that she was unhappy with how he looked and acted.  We knew that he had a long day and that he was tired from all that his body was fighting.  Around 12:30 my mom got a call asking that she come the hospital.  She had spoken to another family that had been called for no reason in the middle of the night.  She thought that she was going to be in the same situation.  She got there and realized it was not good.  They had noticed that the kidneys had started to shut down.  The lungs were shutting down and they were trying to put in the larger trach so they could put him on the ventilator.  The blood pressure dropped and heart rate increased.  They tried to medicate him to stabilize the heart rate.  They told my mom that the only thing they had left to do was actually beat on his chest.  She realized it was time to make a decision.  She went out to talk to David and they agreed that they did not want that.  He looked at the face of God at 6:05 a.m. January 7th.  

I go between being over joyed thinking about what he has done already in heaven to looking at my young baby's face thinking of all he will miss.  I have thought of several things I am going to put on here over the next several days.  I just have to get them on here.    

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